The year’s about to end and before starting the lists with our purposes for 2019, it’s a good idea to evaluate what happened with what we proposed at the beginning of 2018. What were they made of? What could we maintain? And what things escaped all kinds of planning and transformed our year?
I remember the exact moment during last year’s Christmas party, in which I sat down with a paper and a pencil with the full intention of capturing all the ways in which I was going to transform my life. The list had everything: lose weight, be a better daughter and girlfriend, be more grateful and at the same time, more assertive. This is my evaluation:
Now I know that beyond wanting to be a swimsuit model, that list accounted the moment of uncertainty I was living. It wasn’t fat I wanted to lose, but the anxiety that caused me to start my life in a place where nobody knew me. No doubt I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. We had been living in another city for fifteen days and had no idea how to occupy this new space.
Being a better daughter and girlfriend
My longing wasn’t to be a better person, with the idyllic image of the forest nymph that talks to animals. In the background I spoke of a voracious guilt that persecuted me for having left truncated commitments, broken expectations and relations adrift because of my untimely decision to start a new life after the earthquake that destroyed my house.
Being more grateful
This desire quickly translated into repentance for not having enjoyed absurd things that afterwards seemed sublime to me, like waking up to the symphony of Axis 5 or being able to see carefully the beautiful streets of ‘Colonia Del Valle’ during traffic jams, etc. The gratitude was really nostalgia for all the things that bothered me before, and that now I miss as if I had lost a part of myself.
Being more assertive
The knot in the throat lead to a more “executive” name, when it was expressed as a desire to be more “assertive”. The problem wasn’t “saying things” but to keep quiet and let things take their own course. Tolerating uncertainty and recognizing that we cannot control everything, sometimes takes more courage than having something to say to saturate the void.
It’s not that everything was bad. You can imagine that beyond all that I was leaving behind, there were thousands of things that I was starting: new projects, new friendships and of course, new responsibilities. But on January 1st, 2018, my head wasn’t there, I was in a duel stage. Now I know that those things that we sometimes want like a Hollywood leading role, are often symbols we use to cover what really worries us.
2018 is about to end and again we have the opportunity to bathe our grapes in champagne, sweep the house entrance, run around the block with suitcases and fantasize what we want for us and those we love. So, when you’re ready to write your resolutions for 2019, before making an empty wishlist, take some time to evaluate what’s at the bottom of what you long for and celebrate wherever you are.
Fate can take you to unexpected places.